notgoingtotalk:

Issue One (Hearts I Didn’t Mean to Break but Did)
Interview One, Three Months Ago

I was in love with you. And then I stopped. I guess I didn’t realise this until about a year and a half into the relationship. The process was gradual.

I can honestly say that I’ve never loved anyone like I loved you. And for the duration of the relationship I felt safe that this love was reciprocated. I would have doubts and they would go away, in part because you were always so ready to calm me down, and because you were so certain that we would work out. I would have these spikes of fever, I would write diary entries expressing my anxieties, and you would remain so calm and collected.  I think when you find a person who’s perfect on paper it’s really hard to admit to yourself that maybe they’re not.

So that’s a thing that happened.

Eventually I had this moment of clarity. To keep doing this to you would be an insult to your intelligence, and it wasn’t fair. You could probably tell what was going on and avoiding the subject wasn’t making it go away, it wasn’t making anything better.

So I sat down with you and had a talk, it started with me crying.

I kept saying “I don’t want to be doing this” but then I was.

And you were great about it, you were really understanding. You said you knew this was coming. I didn’t want to validate your fears but I did. I don’t know if that’s the exact moment when I broke your heart, but it’s certainly the moment I broke my own because I had to see myself through your eyes, and I had to see you break apart at the same time.

I have this box, I think a lot of people do, of things I collected throughout our relationship. And what I found is that originally I wanted to put everything in the box. There’s a pack of Spiderman trading cards, and a picture of you when you were 14, but there was also a tube of toothpaste, and lip balm. I couldn’t bear to have these things around, but I also couldn’t bring myself to throw them away.

I still have the box somewhere, I think it’s at my parents’ house. Eventually, though, I found that I was okay with looking at these things, I put a pack of cigarettes in there and I’ve smoked them all. I guess the sentimental value of something decreases over time.

I saw you a week ago. You called and asked me for coffee. It was really awkward but also really great. You seem to be doing really well, you finally got around to doing a lot of things you’d been putting off. And you’re okay, and so I am.

Click to preview the first issue.